Where are you situated when it comes to each of the six stages of divorce?
Divorce does not begin when somebody files an application with the Court.
For many people, it begins months and sometimes years earlier.
It begins with a feeling.
Then a question.
Then a decision.
Then practical steps.
Then the reality of actually going through separation.
And eventually, often long after the legal work is finished, comes the process of rebuilding.
There are six stages of divorce as described by US Attorney James Sexton.
They are not legal stages.
They are a framework for understanding the emotional and practical process people often move through when a marriage ends.
And one of the useful things about this framework is that the advice you need when you are quietly wondering whether something is wrong in your marriage is very different from the advice you need once you have decided to leave your marriage — and the advice you need will be different again from what you need when negotiations, parenting arrangements or property settlement are already underway.
So, which stage are you?
Table of Contents
The Six Stages of Divorce Explained
The six stages of divorce are described in detail below.
Stage 1: Pre-contemplation — something feels wrong, but you are not thinking about divorce
Sexton describes the first stage as pre-contemplative.
You are less happy than you used to be.
The marriage feels heavier.
There may be less affection, less connection and less curiosity about one another.
Perhaps you feel more like colleagues managing children, work, bills and a household, rather than two people in a relationship.
But you have not yet connected that unhappiness with the possibility of separation.
The word divorce may not have entered your mind at all.
This is the stage we explored in our article, The Warning Signs Your Marriage Is Headed for Divorce.
The warning signs can be surprisingly quiet.
Not necessarily explosive arguments.
Sometimes simply absence.
Less conversation.
Less laughter.
Less interest.
Less intimacy.
Less of the relationship you once had.
At this stage, the most valuable conversation may be the one nobody particularly wants to have:
What is happening to us?
Conversations are often cheapest — emotionally, practically and financially — when problems are still small.
Ignoring unhappiness does not necessarily make it disappear.
Sometimes it simply allows it to become the new normal.
Stage 2: Contemplation — this is when the word “divorce” enters your mind
The second stage is different.
Now you are consciously wondering whether the marriage should continue.
Sexton describes it as something like a private trial taking place in your own head.
Usually late at night.
There is a prosecutor.
There is plenty of evidence.
But there is no defence lawyer.
You begin listing the problems.
They always do this.
Nothing ever changes.
I was happier when they were away.
We have been having the same argument for five years.
I don’t recognise myself anymore.
The danger is that because this process happens privately, your spouse may have no idea that the marriage is effectively being evaluated.
You may have been contemplating separation for a year before they even realise separation is a possibility.
That difference in timing matters.
When one person eventually says, “I think our marriage is over,” it may feel like the conclusion of a long internal process to them.
To the other person, it may feel like the first sentence of the conversation.
Be careful who you involve
This stage can also be where people begin talking.
To friends.
Family.
Work colleagues.
Group chats.
Sometimes even the children.
Be deliberate about who you confide in.
There is value in appropriate support.
But there is a difference between obtaining support and building an audience for the prosecution of your spouse in a divorce.
Once family and friends have heard every hurt, every allegation and every angry message, they may carry those views long after you have moved forward.
And children should not be placed in the position of confidant, adviser, messenger or judge.
If you are seriously contemplating separation, this can be an appropriate time to speak confidentially with a therapist, a trusted person and a family lawyer.
Obtaining legal advice does not mean you have decided to separate.
It means you understand what separation could mean before making major decisions about your future.
Stage 3: The moment of decision — “this needs to end”
The third stage of the six stages of divorce is the point at which contemplation becomes decision.
You are no longer asking:
Should I leave?
You have reached a decision that this marriage needs to end.
That distinction matters.
Once somebody has genuinely reached this point, the conversation with your spouse should not be presented as a debate disguised as a decision.
But before having that conversation, your preparation for it really matters.
Particularly where there are children, complicated finances, a jointly operated business, significant assets, family violence, financial control or concerns about how the other person may react.
Do not confuse decisiveness with impulsiveness
Reaching a decision to separate does not mean you should immediately act on every emotion attached to it.
Before announcing a separation to your spouse, consider obtaining legal advice about matters such as:
- your immediate living arrangements;
- arrangements for the children;
- access to money;
- joint and individual bank accounts;
- mortgages and other liabilities;
- financial records;
- companies, trusts and businesses;
- insurance;
- important personal and financial documents;
- digital security and passwords; and
- any safety concerns.
Where there is family violence, threats, coercive control or financial abuse, obtain advice about your safety and your children’s safety, before confronting the other person.
The safest way to separate will depend on your individual circumstances.
Stage 4: Taking steps — the private decision becomes real
Sexton’s fourth stage of divorce is when the private process begins turning into external action.
You speak with a lawyer.
You tell people the marriage is ending.
Living arrangements may change.
Financial information starts being gathered and exchanged.
Parenting arrangements are discussed.
Negotiation begins.
For married couples, it is important to understand that separation and divorce are not the same thing.
Divorce is the formal legal dissolution of a marriage.
Australia has a no-fault divorce system, which means the Court is not determining which spouse caused the marriage to end.
Generally, you and your spouse must have been separated for at least 12 months before an application for divorce can be made.
But parenting and property matters can arise from the moment of separation.
You do not have to wait until you are divorced before dealing with them. It is usually always best to deal with these matters promptly after separation, before conflict escalates.
Know what you are trying to achieve
One of the best things you can do to prepare yourself for your divorce is deceptively simple:
Write down your goals.
Not your complaints.
Not everything your former partner did wrong.
Your goals.
Perhaps:
I want the children to feel secure.
I want a sustainable parenting arrangement.
I want to remain financially stable.
I want to retain the family home if that is financially realistic.
I want to protect the business.
I want this resolved without unnecessary litigation.
I want to preserve enough of our parenting relationship that we can attend our child’s wedding in twenty years without warfare.
Why write them down?
Because separation has a way of changing the question.
A person who began with the goal of resolving matters sensibly can find themselves six months later fighting over an issue that has very little impact on their future.
The fight becomes the goal.
It should not.
A divorce ends a marriage. It does not necessarily end a family.
This is particularly important where there are children.
Separation involves restructuring a family, not destroying one.
The intimate relationship between the two of you may be ending.
But your parenting relationship is not ending.
There will still be decisions and special events where you and the other party are required to come into contact with each other and/or communicate and make joint decisions with one another, for the benefit of the children.
Graduations.
School events.
Medical decisions.
Christmases.
Sport.
Weddings.
Grandchildren.
Decisions made during separation can shape that family system for decades.
In Australia, parents do not have any rights, and only responsiblities when it comes to the care and welfare of the children. It is the children that have the right to have a relationship with each of their parents, if it is safe to do so. The child’s best interests are the paramount consideration.
The objective therefore should not simply be:
How do I win against my former partner?
A better question is:
What arrangements will allow our children to be safe, supported and able to move forward?
Stage 5: You are in it
Stage five of the six stages of divorce is the part most people picture when they hear the word divorce.
Lawyers.
Disclosure.
Negotiations.
Mediation.
Parenting disputes.
Property valuations.
Offers.
Correspondence.
Sometimes Court proceedings.
This is the stage where otherwise rational people can become grief stricken, emotionally fragile and sometimes, almost unrecognisable.
That is not surprising.
You and your former partner may be dealing simultaneously with grief, anger, fear about your children, uncertainty about where you will live, concerns about money and the loss of a future you thought was settled.
And yet you are being asked to make important decisions about your future.
This is where having clear objectives about what you want to achieve becomes critical.
The Court cannot give you emotional justice
One of the most important distinctions during this stage is between what the legal system can do and what somebody emotionally wishes it could do.
A family law outcome can determine practical matters.
Property.
Financial arrangements.
Parenting arrangements.
Legal rights and obligations.
What it generally cannot do is provide justice, retribution or the kind of emotional judgment people sometimes seek.
It cannot undo betrayal.
It cannot make somebody apologise sincerely.
It cannot restore the years you believe were lost.
It cannot force somebody to understand your perspective on the marriage.
And it cannot necessarily produce a declaration that one person was morally right and the other was wrong, because in Australia, divorce is no fault.
This means that the bad behaviour of the other party is irrelevant to whether you get divorced and it is largely irrelevant to the distribution of your assets and the care of your children, unless that bad behaviour included family violence.
Where family violence exists, the relevance of it to your parenting/financial settlement will depend on the individual circumstances of your case.
Importantly however, emotional justice is not something the court has the capacity to deliver to you, no matter the behaviour of the other party.
Divorce is the architecture of your post-divorce life. It is not the final argument in your marriage. It is not the final referendum on who was right and wrong in the marriage, who was a good person and who was not, whose fault was it that your relationship didn’t work out. You will not get an acknowledgement from your former spouse that you were right and they were wrong.
It is simply logistics – a business transaction. Who gets what. Where will the kids be. When will they be there.
Not every hill needs to become the hill you die on
Separation produces hundreds of decisions.
Some matter enormously.
Others matter only because emotions are high.
Before spending significant time or legal costs on a dispute, ask yourself:
What does winning this issue actually change about my life?
There may be matters worth strongly contesting.
There may be safety issues that require urgent Court intervention.
There may be serious disputes concerning children, disclosure or substantial property.
But strength in family law is not measured by how many fights you are willing to have.
It is measured by knowing which fights matter.
The analogy of focusing on the steak (the big picture goal) not the peas (the little battle you want to win), is an analogy we use often, when exploring with a client whether an argument is worth fighting.
Stage 6: The legal process ends — but you may not be finished
This is possibly the most overlooked stage of the six stages of divorce.
The agreement is signed.
The orders are made.
The property transfer occurs.
The divorce becomes final.
The lawyer closes the file.
And everyone expects you to feel relieved.
Sometimes you do.
But sometimes, the legal paperwork can move faster than your emotions and your nervous system.
For months or years, separation may have occupied enormous space in your life.
There were appointments to attend.
Documents to prepare.
Offers to consider.
Deadlines.
Emails.
Legal costs.
Decisions.
Then suddenly it stops.
And sometimes that is when the grief finally has room to arrive.
Grief does not mean you made the wrong decision
Grief after divorce is not necessarily evidence that the marriage should have continued.
It can simply mean your marriage mattered.
You can grieve a relationship and still know that ending it was necessary.
You can miss somebody and not want to be married to them.
You can remember wonderful years without rewriting the reasons the relationship ended.
You can mourn the future you expected without wanting the actual marriage back.
Those ideas can coexist.
The end of a marriage does not require you to decide that every year preceding it was a mistake.
Healing is different from moving on
There is often pressure after separation to demonstrate progress.
Start dating.
Buy a new house.
Get fit.
Travel.
Find somebody else.
Prove that you are happy.
But filling the space created by divorce is not necessarily the same as healing from it.
Resist the temptation to skip the grief.
The objective is not to remain stuck in the marriage.
It is to understand what happened, understand yourself within it, and eventually move forward without simply recreating the same patterns in another relationship.
Where are you now?
The value of the six stages of divorce is not in putting everybody into a neat category.
Real separation is rarely that linear.
People move backwards.
They reconsider.
One spouse may be at Stage 5 while the other person emotionally feels like they are still at Stage 2.
Someone may be negotiating property while privately wondering whether reconciliation is possible.
Another person may have decided the relationship ended years before physical separation occurred.
But identifying where you are can help identify what you actually need.
If you are at Stage 1, perhaps you need an honest conversation.
If you are at Stage 2, you may need space, support and information.
If you are at Stage 3, you may need careful preparation before acting.
If you are at Stage 4 or 5, you need clear objectives and sound legal advice.
And if you are at Stage 6, you may need to give yourself permission to stop treating the end of the legal process as a deadline for emotional recovery.
Wherever you are in the six stages of divorce, the objective should not simply be to get divorced.
It should be to make decisions now that give you the strongest possible foundation for the life that comes afterwards.
Contact Us
The six stages of divorce can feel heavy, whether you are at stage one or stage six.
Only after the final agreement has been filed with the Court, after the assets have been formally divided, and after you have paid your final legal bill, and after you and the kids have started your happily ever after separately, will you finally be in a position where you can start emotionally healing and moving on with your life.
If you are considering separation, or simply want to understand what separation may mean for you before making any decisions, contact us to book a reduced-rate initial consultation with one of our experienced family lawyers.
We can provide advice tailored to your individual circumstances, including your children, property, finances and the practical steps you may need to consider. Our aim is to help you make informed, strategic decisions following separation, maximise your prospects of achieving the best possible outcome, and resolve your matter as quickly and cost-effectively as possible so you can move forward with your life.
