Coercive control can be difficult to explain — and sometimes it is even more difficult to prove coercive control in family court.
In coercive control cases, there is rarely a single incident that tells the whole story.
Instead, coercive control more often involves a pattern of seemingly small behaviours which, when viewed individually, may appear insignificant but, when viewed together and in the context of the relationship as a whole, demonstrate an ongoing pattern of control.
It may be the constant monitoring of where you are. The repeated criticism. Controlling access to money. Questioning every purchase. Telling you who you can see. Requiring you to account for your time. Threatening consequences if you do not comply. Using the children to maintain control after separation.
One incident may not appear particularly significant to someone looking at it from the outside.
The pattern can tell a very different story.
This is why, when coercive control is relevant to family law proceedings, it can be important to identify and explain the history of the behaviour clearly rather than simply stating that your former partner was “controlling”, in order to prove coercive control in family court.
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What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control generally involves a pattern of behaviour over time that is used to dominate, control or cause fear in another person.
Under the Family Law Act 1975, family violence includes violent, threatening or other behaviour by a person that coerces or controls a member of their family or causes that family member to be fearful.
Importantly, coercive control does not have to involve physical violence.
It may involve emotional or psychological abuse, financial abuse, intimidation, isolation, surveillance, monitoring, threats or other behaviours which, cumulatively, restrict another person’s freedom or autonomy.
This is why coercive control should generally be considered in the context of the relationship as a whole, rather than by examining each incident in isolation.
For a more detailed explanation of coercive control and its relevance following separation, read our Coercive Control: Separation & Family Law Guide.
How Do You Prove a Pattern of Coercive Control?
One of the challenges with being able to prove coercive control is that the individual incidents can sometimes appear relatively minor.
Imagine, for example, that one person sends their partner a message asking:
“Where are you?”
Viewed by itself, that message may appear completely ordinary.
But what if similar messages were sent repeatedly whenever the person left the house?
What if they were expected to immediately explain where they were, who they were with and when they would return?
What if their location was being monitored?
What if they knew that failing to respond quickly would result in accusations, intimidation, threats or conflict when they returned home?
The significance is not necessarily in the words “Where are you?”
It is in the pattern and the context.
The same can apply to finances, communication, parenting, social relationships and many other aspects of everyday life.
This is why specificity is important when coercive control is raised in family law proceedings.
Rather than simply saying:
“My former partner was controlling throughout our relationship.”
it can be much more useful to explain:
- what they did;
- when it happened;
- how frequently it happened;
- what happened if you did not comply;
- how you changed your behaviour because of it; and
- what effect the pattern had on you or the children.
Start With a Chronology
If you have experienced coercive control, one of the most useful practical steps can be preparing a chronology of the relationship and the relevant behaviour.
You may initially feel that you cannot remember exact dates for everything. That is not unusual, particularly where the behaviour occurred over many years.
Start with what you can remember.
Significant events can help anchor the chronology — moving house, pregnancies and births, changes in employment, children’s schooling, holidays, separation, police involvement or other events where the approximate date can be established.
Then record the incidents and patterns around those events.
For each relevant incident or period, consider recording:
- the date or approximate date;
- what occurred;
- what was said or done;
- whether anyone else was present;
- what happened immediately afterwards;
- whether similar behaviour had occurred previously;
- how you responded or changed your behaviour as a result;
- whether the children were present or affected; and
- whether there is any document or other material relating to the event.
The purpose is not simply to produce a list of every disagreement during the relationship.
It is to help identify the pattern of behaviour.
A properly prepared chronology can also assist your family lawyer when preparing affidavit material for Court proceedings. Instead of trying to reconstruct years of behaviour when an affidavit is urgently required, the chronology can provide a structured history from which the relevant events and patterns can be identified and set out clearly, for the benefit of the Court.
Do I Need Text Messages or Other Evidence to Prove Coercive Control?
A common concern is:
“I don’t have proof. It happened behind closed doors.”
Your own evidence about what occurred is still evidence.
You do not necessarily need a text message, recording, police report or independent witness for every incident you describe.
However, where independent or contemporaneous evidence does exist, it can be extremely useful.
That evidence might include:
✓ Text messages, emails or social media messages showing threats, monitoring, intimidation, financial control or repeated demands.
✓ Recordings, where they have been lawfully obtained and are capable of being relied upon, which may capture telephone calls, conversations or other interactions.
✓ Police records or reports, particularly where incidents were reported at or around the time they occurred.
✓ Domestic Violence Orders or related court material.
✓ Medical records, where you sought medical assistance and discussed what was occurring.
✓ Psychological or counselling records, particularly where you made contemporaneous reports about the behaviour or its effect on you.
✓ Financial records, including bank statements, transactions or communications that may demonstrate financial control.
✓ Witness evidence from people who saw incidents, observed changes in your behaviour or circumstances, or received contemporaneous disclosures from you.
✓ Photographs or other electronic records, where relevant.
The absence of this type of material does not necessarily mean that coercive control did not occur.
But where contemporaneous evidence exists, preserve it.
Why Contemporaneous Reports Can Be Important
Evidence created at or around the time something occurred can be particularly useful because it may demonstrate that the allegation was not first raised after separation or once Court proceedings commenced.
For example, a person may have told their psychologist during the relationship that their partner monitored their movements and finances.
They may have told a friend immediately after an incident.
They may have contacted police.
They may have sent a message to a family member saying what had just occurred.
They may have discussed the behaviour with their GP.
Those records or witnesses may help provide context to the person’s later evidence about the broader pattern.
This does not mean you should begin making reports simply for the purpose of creating evidence.
Rather, records that already exist because you sought help, disclosed what was happening or responded to an incident may later become relevant evidence.
What If the Messages Look Innocent?
This is one of the most important issues in coercive control cases.
Sometimes the written communication does not look abusive at all.
A message saying:
“Call me.”
may mean nothing in isolation.
But if the evidence establishes that the recipient was expected to answer immediately, was repeatedly contacted until they responded and experienced consequences if they did not comply, the significance of that message may be quite different.
Similarly:
“How much did you spend?”
may be an ordinary financial discussion between spouses.
But if it forms part of a broader pattern where one person controlled all money, required the other to justify every purchase, restricted their access to accounts and punished them for spending money without permission, it may take on a very different significance.
Context turns individual incidents into a pattern.
That is why coercive control cases should not necessarily be approached as a search for one dramatic piece of evidence.
Often, it is the accumulation of apparently small things that demonstrates what was really occurring.
What Should Go Into an Affidavit About Coercive Control?
If Court proceedings are necessary, your affidavit provides an important opportunity to set out relevant evidence about what has occurred, in order to establish a pattern of coercive control.
An affidavit should do more than use labels such as:
“He was controlling.”
“She was abusive.”
“My former partner coercively controlled me.”
Those statements provide a conclusion but do not necessarily explain the conduct upon which that conclusion is based.
Without more, these statements are useless in being able to prove that the other party was coercive and controlling because general assertions such as these don’t particularise any individual event.
The should instead identify specific examples and patterns of behaviour, chronologically.
For example:
- when the behaviour began;
- how it developed over the relationship;
- repeated examples of the conduct;
- what happened when you resisted or did not comply;
- how the behaviour affected your decisions and independence;
- whether the behaviour changed or escalated;
- whether it continued after separation;
- how it affected the children; and
- any documents or other evidence supporting particular incidents.
This is another reason why preparing a chronology early can be valuable.
It enables individual incidents to be placed within the broader pattern of conduct, rather than presented as disconnected events.
It is important that you can set out particularised and chronological history of events, to give the Court the full context and history of your relationship, including during the relationship and post separation. Doing so will give the Court the full context and help the Court to understand the significance of individual coercive control events, that may otherwise not seem to be particularly significant, on their own.
What If the Coercive Control Continued After Separation?
Coercive control does not necessarily end when the relationship ends.
In some cases, the mechanisms of control simply change.
In other cases, coercive control worsens post separation, sometimes to the point of a person suffering serious physical or psychological harm, at the hands of the perpetrator.
Where the parties have children, parenting arrangements can provide continuing opportunities for control through excessive communication, conflict over changeovers, withholding information, repeated challenges to parenting decisions or using the children to communicate or exert pressure.
Financial issues, property settlement and Court proceedings can also become areas of continuing conflict or control.
Coercive Control during the relationship and following separation are both equally relevant, and should be viewed holistically, not separately, to establish the pattern.
The history may provide important context for understanding what would otherwise appear to be an ordinary disagreement between separated parents.
How Can Coercive Control Affect Parenting Proceedings?
Where coercive control is established, the Court may need to consider its impact on both the children and the person caring for them.
Sometimes the concern is direct — for example, where a child has been subjected or exposed to family violence.
In other cases, the effect may be more nuanced.
Ongoing coercive control of a parent can affect that parent’s emotional and psychological wellbeing and, in turn, their capacity to provide stability and care for the child.
The Court may therefore need to consider whether proposed parenting arrangements facilitate ongoing coercion or control and what arrangements are in the child’s best interests.
This might affect matters such as communication between the parents, changeovers, decision-making arrangements, the exchange of information and the level of structure required in parenting orders.
A Real Case Example: When the Pattern Matters
An example of how a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour can become relevant to parenting proceedings can be seen in Heijman & D’Onofrio [2024] FedCFamC1F 551, a case in which Barton Family Lawyers acted for the Mother.
Some of the individual behaviours considered by the Court may, when viewed completely in isolation, appear relatively minor. They included the Father telling the Mother not to attend fitness classes during “our time”, becoming angry when she stayed for a drink with work colleagues, making comments designed to undermine her friendships, and hiding her bikini bottoms because he considered them “too cheeky”.
But coercive control is not necessarily understood by looking at each incident separately.
The context, repetition and cumulative pattern of behaviour matter.
The Court made findings concerning family violence and coercive control and ultimately ordered that the child spend no time with the Father unless otherwise agreed.
We discuss the evidence, findings and outcome of this case in greater detail in our article How to Fight for Custody with a Narcissist.
The case provides a practical illustration of why a chronology can be so important to prove coercive control. An incident that appears insignificant when described alone may take on an entirely different meaning when placed alongside other incidents occurring throughout the relationship.
The Key Takeaway: Don’t Just Look for the “Big Incident” to prove coercive control in Family Court
One of the most important things to understand about coercive control is that there may never have been one defining incident.
There may instead have been hundreds of smaller incidents.
A question.
A criticism.
A demand.
A financial restriction.
A threat.
A check of your phone.
A requirement that you explain where you were.
A consequence when you did not comply.
Viewed individually, some of those behaviours may appear insignificant.
Viewed together, over months or years, they may demonstrate an entirely different relationship dynamic.
If you believe coercive control is relevant to your family law matter, start by considering the history as a whole. Prepare a chronology. Preserve the evidence that already exists. Identify contemporaneous reports and witnesses. And obtain advice about how the pattern of behaviour may be relevant to your particular parenting or property matter.
If you are experiencing coercive control or need advice about how family violence may affect your family law matter, contact Barton Family Lawyers to arrange a confidential initial consultation.
